an open letter to the former German chancellor

Dear Helmut Kohl,

You, sir, are to me evidence that history is not a lie, because you are one of the auxiliary figures at momentous events for whom I feel some government studio would not bother to create a detailed back story if it was staging the whole thing. Not that there aren’t benefits to facelessness. I appreciate those clothing store manikins which allow us to see how a pair of slacks would look on somebody with their hands and head cut off. And your own country has recently proven that, no matter how anonymous a banker may seem, even The Country That Invented Democracy will by the nature of things have a lower social status than the country in a position to turn down the Country That Invented Democracy for a loan.

My words are like light photons: I can’t decide if they are illuminating waves or projectiles. All I can hope is that, like my decisions, they are made virtually illegible by alcohol. Most of you politicians, on the other hand, give me the impression of regarding words as fundamentally flimsy, worthless and to be employed only in places where an army can’t be sent. But now that volcanic ash is pouring across your ever so environmentally conscious country’s sky as a result of the earth itself opening an unexpected front in the global warming fray on the side of the polluters, thus undermining all the efforts of people who have risked life and limb by driving a Prius, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate allies and strategy. Sincerely,

Some Weirdo

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