I always enjoy how marketing expands our consciousness towards new and stupider horizons. Last week I saw a motion-activated soap dispenser commercial that tried to frighten the simple people of America with the news that soap pumps have “hundreds” of germs on them, which would make them cleaner than your skin by several billion organisms. But leaving that aside, my first thought was, “This is indeed troubling information. It is so fortunate, then, that the very next thing you touch after touching a dirty soap pump is soap.” Later, I was reading a review of the history of the condom which was supposed to impress with the rigorous safety testing procedures condoms undergo, such as being attached to balloon pumps and inflated as large as they can be before bursting. Thing is though, unless somebody’s dick has a tumor of superhuman proportions attached to it, I really don’t see what good that does, or what it proves. They should be tested to see if they can stand up to being rubbed like someone’s trying to start a fire. I think it’s much more pertinent to what people are doing with them to know if high amounts of friction would cause them to rip or, well, catch fire. It would be fascinating if, upon further review of testing results, condom packages started coming out with warning labels like: “Only safe to be used from the front. Anal presents fire hazard. Use at own risk.”